The Cabaret

So the previous post was my drunk pink party post cabaret rantings. I get that way when I drink apparently. Contemplative Khiem. Yay...

So the cabaret went a lot better than I could have thought. To be honest, I was worried about all the different mistakes I would be making and not being comfortable on the stage, etc. Turns out most of those worried were for naught.

So my final set list:
Nothing in Common by Jason Robert Brown

Larger Than Life from My Favorite Year

Giants in the Sky from Into the Woods

I'll Be Here from The Wild Party

Heroes from 3 Guys Naked from the Waist Down

The Butterfly from The Story of My Life.

I couldn't have asked for a better reception to my set. Granted it was very intimidating to go up there and just wing the transitions. But after a time I loosened up and just had fun with it.

What really helped me were some affirmations that I read before going on stage that stated things like getting rid of need to please people and etc. I just decided that I was doing this for me and my enjoyment and the audience was merely along for the ride.

Okay, so I kinda have ideas as to what people really liked in the set. Larger Than Life was very well received. It is more an acting song and that fit really well for me. I was thinking about putting that as the ending song, and use my best song earlier in case I lost the audience at that point. But I chose to stick with my original order which just fit well.

The best received song was The Butterfly. I have been obsessing about this song for the longest time. I think I even have an entry in this blog that talks about it a little. I don't know. Something just clicked that night with that song. Darwyn was on, I felt the story, and my nervousness and worries just disappeared. I don't think I even realized the audience was there during that performance. It was a great experience. And I got a standing ovation after that too which was completely unexpected.

It's a great way to end my gaslight career for awhile. Med school is gonna take precedence and hopefully in another year I'll be able to come back for another set. Gonna be hard to top this though.

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Post-Cabaret

There are times when I realize that another step is about to happen. I know that I love the people that I am around. But the problem is now wondering how my relationships with them will turn out as the future progresses. If you didn't get to see my cabaret performance, I had a set that centered around growing up. It was really meaningful to me because the evening was not only about the songs that I was singing and entertaining the audience and doing something that I love, but it was also a step in the direction of growing up. I don't get to have that outlet that often, and to be able to express myself in that way was such an amazing experience. But now that it is over, I am realizing that real life still continues. And it is now time to realize that regardless of what I want, I have to grow up. It may not be a revelation of importance to most, but it is still a huge step in my life that I am still trying to come to grips with. And for one who hates veering from the status quo, I don't like change. I don't like knowing that it will be nearly impossible to see some of my friends for a long period of time. To know that some I may never see again. To know that some that I hold on to so closely will distance because of life. And I know that life is like that. We all must grow up. We all will lose friends that we have come close with. And I hate that. I know that it is easier now that there is things like facebook and networking of the like to keep in touch with friends, but distance and life still kill so many friendships that it hurts. It really does. So as I am sitting down at a party, I would like to thank everybody in my life for their friendship. I know that your kindness and love have helped push me along in my life, and I wouldn't be where I am now without you all. And I know I am not good at holding on to connections. And I am awkward sometimes at these these things. But regardless of where in life I knew you, I love you all and wish you everything in life. Because every one of you helped me become the person I am now. And I am so grateful and blessed for knowing each and everyone of you.

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2010-2011

So I have drunken a few and am going to put down a few thoughts before the new year comes. As many may know, I usually don't like new years because of the whole looking back on the year and self evaluation that I usually do. However, I think this year I am going to think differently. I usually get depressed at these times (my birthday and new years) because of the short comings that have happened thoughout the past few months. Yes, they can be depressing, but instead of the cynical views that I have previously used, I think that this year, I will try something different. Yes, I have had my shortcomings. And yes, I have done things that I have either regretted or knew that I have should have done better. And that is what the contemplation usually is about. And it is depressing and self deprecating. This year, I will try to view it as a new chance to be the best that I can be. I know that I won't be perfect and I know that I won't accomplish everything that I hope, but merely knowing that there is always another day, another year, the rest of my life, I need not think about being the most perfect person, but I need to think that I need to try everyday to do what I can to be the happiest that I can. That's all that I can do under things that I have no control over. Yes, I can study harder. Yes, I can choose different paths, but I need to make sure that the path I choose will provide me with happiness, not only in the future, but in the present too. Regardless of how much I resent my current state, I do find happiness in succeeding in challenges that I face, and that reminder will help me face the challenges that my future holds. And hopefully knowing that I can accomplish these challenges and that the support i have from the friends and family around me will help me (Chelsea says hi), I will be happy. So here is to not looking back but to looking forward. Happy new year! Teehee


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Location:Nathan and jassie's party

Expectations and meeting them

Was thinking about going to pans today for some wine and thinking. Hard to do sometimes. Etoh helps when trying to let loose not to mention do some destructive damage to your body when you want to. However I will do it this weekend. I expect to be totally trashed.

Been in a funk lately. [not really sure if anybody is reading these posts to begin with. Hehe...] I know that I haven't posted in awhile. Been a bad boy lately.

So...I got what I expected out of school. Didn't get through second year and I selected to retake it instead of going through remediation. I figured that would the best thing. And I thought that I would feel good about the decision. Was actually feeling okay with it. But for some reason the shame and embaressment came crashing down on me the last few days. I have been moody and depressed. Haven't felt this way since back in college.

Well. I expected these consequences. It is what happens when you dont care about what you are studying and dont study. What do I expect from my future? I have no real clue. I keep telling myself that most people haven't a clue, but I feel like I say that just to make myself feel better. I wish I had a clue. I wish I had desire and determination. But I don't. In continuing with the theme of my blog, my sequence is either still diverging or I don't like what it is converging to. And that sucks.

I am disappointed with myself. I feel like taking it out on myself. I feel like breaking things. And when I continue to think about it, I know that I never will. Partly because I haven't the guts for it and partly because I know better than to.

I have had moments where I wanted to drink etoh but never really did follow through. I will follow through this time. Maybe I will have a few friends come over and make sure I don't hurt myself too badly. Because I want to.

Location:Plyos house

The Story of My Life

After listening to the song "The Butterfly" numerous times (finally memorized after 2 days of nonstop repeat), I decided to purchase the actual cast recording of the musical The Story of My Life. The insert expresses that there are all kinds of musicals surrounding loves of many types, whether it be tragic, comedic, long lost, and even betrayal. However, not many musicals surround just the love between 2 good friends. And this show attempts to fill in that hole a little.

The story revolves around 2 characters, Tom and Alvin. Tom is a best-selling novelist and Alvin is his childhood friend that inherits his father's bookstore. Tom is attempting to write a eulogy for Alvin and soon the realization of how the 2 grew up, became friends, and how Alvin affected his Tom's writing career begins to bring out the regret of allowing this friendship to fall apart.

The music is as personal as the story itself. No big orchestrations, no huge sound effects. It's very honest and timeless. It also helps that the musical makes references to It's a Wonderful Life (which I would rank as my all-time favorite film), so I'm already hooked. I'm hoping that Mr. Feeny at some point listens to the recording because I'd like to see what he thinks of it. Not really the classic musical by any means, but I think he'll take to it.

I'm also thinking this would be a good show to do (directing or acting). It's abstract enough for my taste in directing and it is musically and dramatically challenging and interesting that actually auditioning for this show would be fun too. Stupid med school doesn't allow for theatre though...I will keep this one on the back burner for a long while though.

For those of you who care to, check it out. Good show, good story, good message.

The Butterfly

Found this video of actor Will Chase singing a song from the short lived Broadway musical The Story of My Life. I'm kinda obsessed, no kidding...it's already on the iPhone and I'm thinking of getting the sheet music from michael lavine along with my order for another piece of music.

The Butterfly

the procrastinated new years post....

So I think I've procrastinated enough on this "New Year's" post. As I've said before (and I'm sure that some people already know), I'm not really a New Year's kinda guy. It and my birthday are generally the 2 days that I sit back and ponder about the year before and the year ahead. Granted, there were a lot of things that I really like about this last year, more specifically the latter 6 months. I made some really good friends, rekindled others, was part of a fantastic play, and I'd like to think that I made some decent choices. Not the best by all means, but nobody's perfect. However, I'd say that I've been disappointed with a lot of other things. I still haven't really found any drive or love in this so called career of medicine that I'm pursuing, and I still don't enjoy the subject matter, but I've come to terms with my situation. Good things require sacrifice. My good friend Mr. Feeny is realizing that in these last few weeks. And although I may not like what I'm doing now, I have an obligation to myself to follow it through. I'm hoping that that will be drive enough.

Speaking of Mr. Feeny [I'm sure that he will enjoy the fact that I'm making a comment about him in my post], the man has decided that it's time to move from small town Oklahoma to a town closer to home. Granted, I've only known him for about 6 months, but in that short time span, I'd like to think that we became good friends. Even sitting here thinking about it, it's hard not to just smile and remember things like the small IHOP trip where we began the ITW-IHOP version, or the frigid soccer game, or the fake-make-out session in Dallas [TMI?], or the insane amounts of singing in between. I would be lying if I said that it doesn't hurt to see him leave Enid, but that's just my selfish nature and my tendency for things not to change. I am happy for his happiness. It has been good times, and he will be sorely missed. I hope (and know) that Mr. Feeny will be happy and successful in his future endeavors.

To Mr. Feeny [raising my glass]