2010-2011

So I have drunken a few and am going to put down a few thoughts before the new year comes. As many may know, I usually don't like new years because of the whole looking back on the year and self evaluation that I usually do. However, I think this year I am going to think differently. I usually get depressed at these times (my birthday and new years) because of the short comings that have happened thoughout the past few months. Yes, they can be depressing, but instead of the cynical views that I have previously used, I think that this year, I will try something different. Yes, I have had my shortcomings. And yes, I have done things that I have either regretted or knew that I have should have done better. And that is what the contemplation usually is about. And it is depressing and self deprecating. This year, I will try to view it as a new chance to be the best that I can be. I know that I won't be perfect and I know that I won't accomplish everything that I hope, but merely knowing that there is always another day, another year, the rest of my life, I need not think about being the most perfect person, but I need to think that I need to try everyday to do what I can to be the happiest that I can. That's all that I can do under things that I have no control over. Yes, I can study harder. Yes, I can choose different paths, but I need to make sure that the path I choose will provide me with happiness, not only in the future, but in the present too. Regardless of how much I resent my current state, I do find happiness in succeeding in challenges that I face, and that reminder will help me face the challenges that my future holds. And hopefully knowing that I can accomplish these challenges and that the support i have from the friends and family around me will help me (Chelsea says hi), I will be happy. So here is to not looking back but to looking forward. Happy new year! Teehee


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Location:Nathan and jassie's party

Expectations and meeting them

Was thinking about going to pans today for some wine and thinking. Hard to do sometimes. Etoh helps when trying to let loose not to mention do some destructive damage to your body when you want to. However I will do it this weekend. I expect to be totally trashed.

Been in a funk lately. [not really sure if anybody is reading these posts to begin with. Hehe...] I know that I haven't posted in awhile. Been a bad boy lately.

So...I got what I expected out of school. Didn't get through second year and I selected to retake it instead of going through remediation. I figured that would the best thing. And I thought that I would feel good about the decision. Was actually feeling okay with it. But for some reason the shame and embaressment came crashing down on me the last few days. I have been moody and depressed. Haven't felt this way since back in college.

Well. I expected these consequences. It is what happens when you dont care about what you are studying and dont study. What do I expect from my future? I have no real clue. I keep telling myself that most people haven't a clue, but I feel like I say that just to make myself feel better. I wish I had a clue. I wish I had desire and determination. But I don't. In continuing with the theme of my blog, my sequence is either still diverging or I don't like what it is converging to. And that sucks.

I am disappointed with myself. I feel like taking it out on myself. I feel like breaking things. And when I continue to think about it, I know that I never will. Partly because I haven't the guts for it and partly because I know better than to.

I have had moments where I wanted to drink etoh but never really did follow through. I will follow through this time. Maybe I will have a few friends come over and make sure I don't hurt myself too badly. Because I want to.

Location:Plyos house

The Story of My Life

After listening to the song "The Butterfly" numerous times (finally memorized after 2 days of nonstop repeat), I decided to purchase the actual cast recording of the musical The Story of My Life. The insert expresses that there are all kinds of musicals surrounding loves of many types, whether it be tragic, comedic, long lost, and even betrayal. However, not many musicals surround just the love between 2 good friends. And this show attempts to fill in that hole a little.

The story revolves around 2 characters, Tom and Alvin. Tom is a best-selling novelist and Alvin is his childhood friend that inherits his father's bookstore. Tom is attempting to write a eulogy for Alvin and soon the realization of how the 2 grew up, became friends, and how Alvin affected his Tom's writing career begins to bring out the regret of allowing this friendship to fall apart.

The music is as personal as the story itself. No big orchestrations, no huge sound effects. It's very honest and timeless. It also helps that the musical makes references to It's a Wonderful Life (which I would rank as my all-time favorite film), so I'm already hooked. I'm hoping that Mr. Feeny at some point listens to the recording because I'd like to see what he thinks of it. Not really the classic musical by any means, but I think he'll take to it.

I'm also thinking this would be a good show to do (directing or acting). It's abstract enough for my taste in directing and it is musically and dramatically challenging and interesting that actually auditioning for this show would be fun too. Stupid med school doesn't allow for theatre though...I will keep this one on the back burner for a long while though.

For those of you who care to, check it out. Good show, good story, good message.

The Butterfly

Found this video of actor Will Chase singing a song from the short lived Broadway musical The Story of My Life. I'm kinda obsessed, no kidding...it's already on the iPhone and I'm thinking of getting the sheet music from michael lavine along with my order for another piece of music.

The Butterfly

the procrastinated new years post....

So I think I've procrastinated enough on this "New Year's" post. As I've said before (and I'm sure that some people already know), I'm not really a New Year's kinda guy. It and my birthday are generally the 2 days that I sit back and ponder about the year before and the year ahead. Granted, there were a lot of things that I really like about this last year, more specifically the latter 6 months. I made some really good friends, rekindled others, was part of a fantastic play, and I'd like to think that I made some decent choices. Not the best by all means, but nobody's perfect. However, I'd say that I've been disappointed with a lot of other things. I still haven't really found any drive or love in this so called career of medicine that I'm pursuing, and I still don't enjoy the subject matter, but I've come to terms with my situation. Good things require sacrifice. My good friend Mr. Feeny is realizing that in these last few weeks. And although I may not like what I'm doing now, I have an obligation to myself to follow it through. I'm hoping that that will be drive enough.

Speaking of Mr. Feeny [I'm sure that he will enjoy the fact that I'm making a comment about him in my post], the man has decided that it's time to move from small town Oklahoma to a town closer to home. Granted, I've only known him for about 6 months, but in that short time span, I'd like to think that we became good friends. Even sitting here thinking about it, it's hard not to just smile and remember things like the small IHOP trip where we began the ITW-IHOP version, or the frigid soccer game, or the fake-make-out session in Dallas [TMI?], or the insane amounts of singing in between. I would be lying if I said that it doesn't hurt to see him leave Enid, but that's just my selfish nature and my tendency for things not to change. I am happy for his happiness. It has been good times, and he will be sorely missed. I hope (and know) that Mr. Feeny will be happy and successful in his future endeavors.

To Mr. Feeny [raising my glass]