Been in a funk lately. [not really sure if anybody is reading these posts to begin with. Hehe...] I know that I haven't posted in awhile. Been a bad boy lately.
So...I got what I expected out of school. Didn't get through second year and I selected to retake it instead of going through remediation. I figured that would the best thing. And I thought that I would feel good about the decision. Was actually feeling okay with it. But for some reason the shame and embaressment came crashing down on me the last few days. I have been moody and depressed. Haven't felt this way since back in college.
Well. I expected these consequences. It is what happens when you dont care about what you are studying and dont study. What do I expect from my future? I have no real clue. I keep telling myself that most people haven't a clue, but I feel like I say that just to make myself feel better. I wish I had a clue. I wish I had desire and determination. But I don't. In continuing with the theme of my blog, my sequence is either still diverging or I don't like what it is converging to. And that sucks.
I am disappointed with myself. I feel like taking it out on myself. I feel like breaking things. And when I continue to think about it, I know that I never will. Partly because I haven't the guts for it and partly because I know better than to.
I have had moments where I wanted to drink etoh but never really did follow through. I will follow through this time. Maybe I will have a few friends come over and make sure I don't hurt myself too badly. Because I want to.
Location:Plyos house
