Expectations and meeting them

Was thinking about going to pans today for some wine and thinking. Hard to do sometimes. Etoh helps when trying to let loose not to mention do some destructive damage to your body when you want to. However I will do it this weekend. I expect to be totally trashed.

Been in a funk lately. [not really sure if anybody is reading these posts to begin with. Hehe...] I know that I haven't posted in awhile. Been a bad boy lately.

So...I got what I expected out of school. Didn't get through second year and I selected to retake it instead of going through remediation. I figured that would the best thing. And I thought that I would feel good about the decision. Was actually feeling okay with it. But for some reason the shame and embaressment came crashing down on me the last few days. I have been moody and depressed. Haven't felt this way since back in college.

Well. I expected these consequences. It is what happens when you dont care about what you are studying and dont study. What do I expect from my future? I have no real clue. I keep telling myself that most people haven't a clue, but I feel like I say that just to make myself feel better. I wish I had a clue. I wish I had desire and determination. But I don't. In continuing with the theme of my blog, my sequence is either still diverging or I don't like what it is converging to. And that sucks.

I am disappointed with myself. I feel like taking it out on myself. I feel like breaking things. And when I continue to think about it, I know that I never will. Partly because I haven't the guts for it and partly because I know better than to.

I have had moments where I wanted to drink etoh but never really did follow through. I will follow through this time. Maybe I will have a few friends come over and make sure I don't hurt myself too badly. Because I want to.

Location:Plyos house

The Story of My Life

After listening to the song "The Butterfly" numerous times (finally memorized after 2 days of nonstop repeat), I decided to purchase the actual cast recording of the musical The Story of My Life. The insert expresses that there are all kinds of musicals surrounding loves of many types, whether it be tragic, comedic, long lost, and even betrayal. However, not many musicals surround just the love between 2 good friends. And this show attempts to fill in that hole a little.

The story revolves around 2 characters, Tom and Alvin. Tom is a best-selling novelist and Alvin is his childhood friend that inherits his father's bookstore. Tom is attempting to write a eulogy for Alvin and soon the realization of how the 2 grew up, became friends, and how Alvin affected his Tom's writing career begins to bring out the regret of allowing this friendship to fall apart.

The music is as personal as the story itself. No big orchestrations, no huge sound effects. It's very honest and timeless. It also helps that the musical makes references to It's a Wonderful Life (which I would rank as my all-time favorite film), so I'm already hooked. I'm hoping that Mr. Feeny at some point listens to the recording because I'd like to see what he thinks of it. Not really the classic musical by any means, but I think he'll take to it.

I'm also thinking this would be a good show to do (directing or acting). It's abstract enough for my taste in directing and it is musically and dramatically challenging and interesting that actually auditioning for this show would be fun too. Stupid med school doesn't allow for theatre though...I will keep this one on the back burner for a long while though.

For those of you who care to, check it out. Good show, good story, good message.

The Butterfly

Found this video of actor Will Chase singing a song from the short lived Broadway musical The Story of My Life. I'm kinda obsessed, no kidding...it's already on the iPhone and I'm thinking of getting the sheet music from michael lavine along with my order for another piece of music.

The Butterfly

the procrastinated new years post....

So I think I've procrastinated enough on this "New Year's" post. As I've said before (and I'm sure that some people already know), I'm not really a New Year's kinda guy. It and my birthday are generally the 2 days that I sit back and ponder about the year before and the year ahead. Granted, there were a lot of things that I really like about this last year, more specifically the latter 6 months. I made some really good friends, rekindled others, was part of a fantastic play, and I'd like to think that I made some decent choices. Not the best by all means, but nobody's perfect. However, I'd say that I've been disappointed with a lot of other things. I still haven't really found any drive or love in this so called career of medicine that I'm pursuing, and I still don't enjoy the subject matter, but I've come to terms with my situation. Good things require sacrifice. My good friend Mr. Feeny is realizing that in these last few weeks. And although I may not like what I'm doing now, I have an obligation to myself to follow it through. I'm hoping that that will be drive enough.

Speaking of Mr. Feeny [I'm sure that he will enjoy the fact that I'm making a comment about him in my post], the man has decided that it's time to move from small town Oklahoma to a town closer to home. Granted, I've only known him for about 6 months, but in that short time span, I'd like to think that we became good friends. Even sitting here thinking about it, it's hard not to just smile and remember things like the small IHOP trip where we began the ITW-IHOP version, or the frigid soccer game, or the fake-make-out session in Dallas [TMI?], or the insane amounts of singing in between. I would be lying if I said that it doesn't hurt to see him leave Enid, but that's just my selfish nature and my tendency for things not to change. I am happy for his happiness. It has been good times, and he will be sorely missed. I hope (and know) that Mr. Feeny will be happy and successful in his future endeavors.

To Mr. Feeny [raising my glass]

The Corner People

I've been meaning to make a post about this for awhile. The situation happened a few months ago. I was driving home from school to my apartment in the city (around Penn and 122nd st). Now, in this area there are a lot of people who stand on the corner asking for money. Whenever I see them, it really aches me not to help them...and it's generally awkward for me to just keep looking ahead and ignore them. Occasionally I would roll down my window and give them a dollar or two if I had the money on me at the time. But at this situation, I just ignored the man, like most of the other drivers at that spot, and I finished driving back to my apartment. This was around noon-1pm. I left my apartment that afternoon around 5ish, and driving back to the same corner, I saw another man standing there with kids who had posters saying that they were a football team that needed money for new jerseys or something like that. The response from the other drivers at that stoplight was pretty tremendous. A lot of them were rolling down their windows and tossing money into the little bucket, me included. After giving them the money and starting to drive off, I remembered that earlier I hadn't given the money to the man that previously stood at that corner.

So here's the deal. The drivers that I saw [including myself] were more willing to give money to kids for a recreational sport as opposed to another fellow man for necessities. Okay, so the kids won't get new jerseys for their team, but this guy gets to eat tonight or make a purchase that will ensure longer term survival. True, the man could have been standing there looking for money to score drugs or alcohol; however, even if whatever statistics support the likelihood of this claim, we are judging this man by actions that we have no proof of knowing.

I realize that my argumentation is not the best here, and I know there are reasons for giving the money to the kids as opposed to the man, but it kinda bothers me that I would value giving money to benefit these random kids recreation as opposed to helping feed the random person. It just seems like the priorities seem a little skewed...

Birthdays

So, this last weekend I celebrated my 26th birthday. I guess I get it from my family, but we usually don't celebrate birthdays. Maybe go out to dinner, gifts generally are not involved, no real parties...for me, it's just another day.

I also try not to celebrate my bday because of the amount of thinking I usually do. It reminds me of filling out applications for schools and stuff or like quarterly or yearly reviews, where I sit down, look at my life and weigh what I ended up doing for the year. The pros, the cons, the triumphs and failures. Usually this kind of thinking ends with me being depressed for the rest of the weekend (nothing a little EtOH can't solve though...teehee).

Although I didn't really make plans for the weekend, I had a great impromptu dinner at Panavinos with a great set of friends, and then I hosted a dinner/game/movie night with a small group at my parent's place. Then the following night, I went over to Plyos' house and cooked for him and his family. Apparently I had a lot of food this weekend all-around.

For a weekend that I planned to sit around the house and mull things over (which would eventually lead to the previously stated depression), I ended up keeping pretty busy and realizing something. [This is where you insert the Southpark "You know, I learned something today" quotation].

Yes, birthday's can be a day of reflection, but that doesn't necessarily mean you have to do it alone. Sure I could judge myself on my failures and criticize my life decisions. But being with the people I care about reminds me that there are good things in my life that I should also consider. I mean, these people care enough about me to want to come out and celebrate, this would imply that there is something about me to care about. And regardless of my shortcomings [and I know I have quite a few], I'm glad to see these people stand by my side.

Again...Thanks for the Birthday wishes for those who posted on my Facebook. Thanks for dinner and drinks and the company Skate, Miss Skate, Blu, Mrs. Blu, BP, Beersnob, Bunnicula and his roommate (and Skate and Miss Skate for the much needed ride home...teehee). Thanks to those who came over to dinner party. And thanks to Plyos and Mrs. Plyos for opening their house to me all these years.

I'm truly blessed with great friends and family.

Driving

If anybody knows me at all, they know that I have strange sleeping habits and strange car habits. My car is generally a mess, and the reason for that is I basically live in my car. I've actually been pretty good at not living in my car the past few months, but all that was crushed away after last night, where I began my bad habits of sleeping in my car again. Well, I did it once since January, so I figure that's pretty good considering what I used to do.

Let me back up a bit here. First, back in high school, when gas prices were like 79 cents per gallon of reg. unleaded, I would drive my car for hours in a loop around Enid. I would take Willow east bound, then South on Van Buren, East on Garriot, and North on Oakwood. Rinse and Repeat. Really, it was a way for me to think and argue things in my head. I would yell at myself for doing and thinking stupid things, I would savor moments of triumphs with huge grins...I think I even cried once or twice during my depression years (which may be another entry altogether). The point being, if there was a favorite place for me to be in during those years, it would be alone in my car.

So I'm quite accustomed to being in my car for long periods of time. Hell, I even drove back in forth from Enid to Norman almost twice a week for a whole semester. [good times] And when I would get tired of driving, I'd sleep in my car. Yes, I realize that it's really really safe to be doing that...but hey, at least I slept when I knew I wasn't safe to drive at that point.

I would sleep in Wal-Mart parking lots, parking lots outside of a plaza mall with a starbucks in it...I even got to the point where I was sleeping in my car in the dormitory parking lot with my bed only a 2 minute walk away. I figured, "Hey, I have an 8:00am class that I should go to, so if I sleep in a bed, I'll sleep through the class. I'll sleep in my car so I can make the class...yay!"

Yes, my logic for the sleeping in a parking lot and driving all the time is probably flawed at some point, but it all seemed like really good ideas at the moment. And driving lets me have true time for myself to think, which I'll probably be needing to do more of in the months to come.